First off, thank you. Like, big, huge, deep heartfelt thank you. My last post was SO incredibly hard to write.
Scratch that.
Post. It was insanely hard to post. (Writing was hard, posting was harder!)
But so many of you reached out to me and shared that it touched you, or that you were thinking of me or sent your love.
And I thank you for that. I meant SO much to me!
And that showed me that this is where I want to go. Deeper, more heartfelt and honest…
You may (or may not!) have seen my post on Instagram about my Avoidance blend. I created it with the intention of facing into everything I was avoiding – and you have already seen some of the shifts because of it…. my last post (actually, I’d read it first).
I wanted to share with you what specifically I’ve been doing and what it’s been bringing to the surface.
So, first off, I made that essential oil blend (doTERRA oils only) and started off by slathering myself.
Behind the ears. On the heart. Back of the neck. Bottom of the feet. 3rd chakra (diaphragm). And about 10 other places. LOL! (I literally would have bathed in it if it hadn’t been in a roller ball.)
I was just ready to really shift how much I avoid things.
After a few days of that, I started to feel myself opening up. I saw my morning meditations shift a little. I saw myself seeing where I’ve avoided things. Posting on my blog for the first time in more than a year. Going to my teacher and having deeper things revealed to me. Defeat, for one big one.
Seeing Defeat for what it was – a limiting belief that was so tricky and playing so quietly in the background that I didn’t even notice it subtly influencing me.
And then I started to make friends with Defeat instead of avoiding it. Thanking it for being there, asking it to leave. Letting go of feeling ashamed of my feelings of defeat.
Then I saw how I’ve wanted to restart my morning yoga practice for YEARS and never made it stick. So I dusted off my 40 Days of Yoga book – literally dusted off – remembering that it was about resistance (a form of avoidance) and started my yoga practice again.
Only this time, I added in a few things: A dedication to seeing my avoidance, using the oil blend every morning, pulling a tarot card (I like
Osho Zen the most, but have others I love, too), journalling, and giving myself the time and space when possible to feel into what comes up.
(As a note, sometimes my yoga is 7 minutes, sometimes it’s 40 minutes. Typically it’s about 20-25 minutes and I am kind to myself even if it’s only 7 minutes. And I get on the mat every day!)Oh, holy crap!
To say that “facing into it” was a challenge at first is an understatement!
Here’s my friend Shame. Oh, hello, resistance. Good morning, wallowing and feeling like a victim. Separation from others/self! I see you hiding!
Wait! Entitlement? What are you doing here? I’m not entitled!
Oh, I see it now… I see how it surfaces for me.
Anyway, these beliefs are subtle. They aren’t in your face, super obvious, always skipping across the surface. They aren’t really that obvious to any except my closest friends.
Instead, they are quiet, in the background. In the shadows whispering to me in the form of my tricky ego complete with lists of why I am right, justified, and should feel that way.
Only, not one of them is supporting me to be my best self. Each one of them holds me back.
So I go to my meditations, grabbing my
essential oils (individual ones, blends, anything that resonates) and I
pull cords. I talk to the friends who hold space for me, allow me to untangle without judgement – only love.
Now I’m feeling some space where I’ve never felt it before.
Heck, even this post is about a million times easier than my last one. It feels real, and raw and honest. I can feel the tears in me, but they aren’t spilling out.
This. This is why I do this work. This is why, even if I never had another client, even if I never shared the oils with another soul, I would do this deep inner work because I can find space to fully be me, share what I want to share.
And not expect anything from anyone. Not in a wallowing way. Not in a selfish, I want to be separate from everyone way. But rather a doing this for ME way.
And it’s giving me the space to feel into how to share some of this process – stepping into releasing avoidance – with others.
I still don’t know what this looks like, this sharing with others. I feel like I’m still untangling a lot over here.
But I see these same patterns in my clients and finding new ways to support them is something close to my heart.
That’s where I am now. Learning to love this practice of uncovering the deep, unconscious beliefs that I’m ashamed of. And loving them. Loving myself through all of this without judgement or expectation.
And seeing how I can support others if they want to do a deep dive like this… But that’s for another day.
Sending all of you love and light,
Andi
